I've never written something in english here, but the idea of doing it made me curious. I am sad. Again. It's been a long time since I felt like this. The headache makes me feel like someone is punching me several times, and it sucks. I can't even sleep because my head is full of thoughts and I don't even know what to do to make them disappear. I am so nervous because I have a lot of places where I should go to do stuff... It's like something it's whispering in my ear: "Stay home. Don't go anywhere. Do not get out of the house.". I think my brain is a little bit fucked up, but whatever. The only thing that I'm doing right now is watching into the void and hoping that something will get better without any effort, but I already know it's not gonna happen. It would be too easy, and everyone would be happy. At a certain point you realize life is a piece of shit, and you can't do nothing to change it, because you're powerless. This feeling lives within me since I began to understand how the world works, and it never left my head. Sometimes I'm afraid to sleep, because then time will pass faster and I don't have the will and the strength to face life. Even my suicidal thoughts came back recently. Just when I thought I passed that freaking chapter. Going out is meaningless, staying home is meaningless, doing everything is meaningless. A friend asked me a question, a few days ago: "Where did your optimism go?"; I gave him an answer that he would've never expected...
"It's dead." |