Los Angeles, August 2008

- I am gay. 

It was Rob who spoke. 

I looked at him in disbelief. Not that I was surprised, actually. I suspected he was. Still, I was shocked he was coming out right in front of us, in front of me. Trusting that I'd keep his secrets safe. Sharing what he clearly felt it was a sin…with me. 

We were all sitting on Rob's soft enormous couch, in his house in LA. 

It was August and it was hot. Officially, the four of us had travelled to Los Angeles to mix The Circus, but we all had known from the start that the trip was about having a proper chat with Rob. 

I had missed him deeply throughout the years, but I realized I was back in love with him - better, that I was still in love with him - since I risked my life back in 2005. I almost got killed during the 7/7 suicide attacks. I was there, at the Edgware road tube station on 7th July 2005. I was on the tube train that was one of the targets of the bombings (*). 

I couldn't breathe - I still can't breathe - at the thought of what I could have lost. 

That day, I saw my all life flashing before my eyes and there was no room left for lies: when you confront death, you're naked. Your priorities arise in front of you as clear as you've never seen them in your daily life. Your heart prevails over your reason and thoughts you didn't even know you had, suddenly come to the surface.

That day, my first thought were the kids. What would have been of them, if I died?! How could I die before seeing them grow up?!. The second thought was Rob. How could I die before making up with him and to him? How could I die before I got to tell him how much I had loved him, how much I still loved him and how sorry I was?!

There you are, Barlow.

When these thoughts reached my brain, I knew I was fucked.

It was too late to find an easy way out: the realization had already hit me deep inside.

That day, I'd been taught by fate that everything can finish in a moment and that moment is now. Not tomorrow or next year or when you're ready.

As cheesy as it sounds, you don't really understand the meaning of this sentence until you face death.

That day I knew what was coming next: I'd stop hiding myself in my big lonely house, I'd stop thinking I'd never win, I'd stop regretting what I didn't do in the past, I'd just fight for the future. 

I was alive when many others died. 

I wouldn't waste my second chance: it didn't matter how long it'd take, I'd find the way to get him back home.

And so… here we are. The four of us on his couch. We've been talking all evening about the same stuff we  already discussed at the Conrad Hotel (*2), just in a deeper way. Everything was like a movie I had already seen and I started to feel frustrated. I didn't want to waste this opportunity, but I didn't know how to jump on the higher rung either. How to lead the conversation from "the five of us" to "the two of us".

Until Rob said he was gay.

Mark reacted first and said - it's no surprise, bro. But I'm so proud of you for telling us. Thanks for trusting us - He reached out, hugged Rob tightly and then fell back onto the sofa smiling. 

Howard just nodded at Rob, patted him on the shoulder, his head still turned to me. Jason looked slightly annoyed: we all knew he was gay and had a young lover in Thailand, but he never officially came out in front of us. He nodded at Rob, but at the same time he rolled his eyes, as if he'd been thinking that Rob  shared the 'big news' with us only to get our sympathy, to draw all the attention on himself, as usual. But he said nothing.

I knew Jay was wrong this time, as I knew Howard had seen it coming. I knew Rob's message was meant to be for me. 

Just I didn't know what the message was.

Why did he want me to know that he was gay? What did he imply? 

That he had loved me back then (but if he loved me, why did he leave me)? 

That he had loved me 'but now it's all over, then I can be honest about my attitude without feeling weird and we can be friends'? 

That still there was a chance for us? 

I guess my questions showed on my face, because Howard was still looking at me quizzically. Well, all the faces had turned to me now: I was the only one who had said nothing.

Rob looked anxious about my silence. I turned to him, still avoiding his eyes. My heart was pounding in my ears.

 - fine - was all I managed to say, out of my comfort zone  - you can rely on our reserve.

Rob looked even more confused. 

He told me the biggest secret of his life and I sounded like I was completely indifferent to that.  What the fuck was I doing?! 

He looked back at me and said  - Gaz..

- we need to talk, the two of us - I added quickly without thinking, before he could try to get rid of me.

- fine - he said, mocking my previous coldness.

Nonetheless, he got up without any hesitation, left the living room and entered the kitchen (*3).

I followed immediately afterwords  closing the door behind my back.

******

Los Angeles, August 2008

I was sitting at the kitchen table, perfectly aware I'd only get one shot. I had already heard the front door slamming in the distance hence I knew the boys were gone and we were alone. I had finally got what I wanted: Rob and a place to talk just the two of us. 

Pity was, that I had no idea of what to do with that. I had no idea of what to say. I had no idea of what he expected me to say. I had no idea of what would make it better or worse.

Rob was making some coffee, his back facing me. I cleared my throat.

- so you are gay .

- are you disappointed? 

- of course I'm not. 

He sneered at me, shaking his head.

- Rob, I'm sorry for being…cold, before. I just didn't expect you to talk about it and in any case I thought you were… I don't even know …bi maybe.

- guess it'd sound better to your ear.

- I'm not saying that. 

- you're not saying it, but you certainly believe so.

- you're wrong

- am I? 

He turned abruptly, came and sat next to me, a sudden tension showing on his face. It was like all the effort he'd been making for the previous hours had left him unable to pretend any longer..and I was the one to take the worst of him.

- is it really the same to you, that I'm a FOD? 

- what...

- I actually like the feeling of being in drag, haven't I told you yet? what do you think of it?

-  I don't know why you're getting annoyed at me 

- are you wondering if I'm a top or a bottom?

- I'm just trying…

- is it the same to you, that I like to be taken control of as much as to take it or even more?  

- stop the bullshit

- is it the same to you, now that you got to know that I'm a fucking queer?

Before I could reply, he got up and moved to the open shelves, pretending he was busy finding some more sugar. 

- why on earth should I be bothered if you're gay?

- you know the answer

This really hit me out of the blue. What was he talking about?!

- I swear I don't

- you're still a bad liar.

- Rob, I'm lost here… 

- aren't we all?

He put the two mugs in the sink. It clearly showed that he was about to leave the room.

- don't go. I mean..please, stay a little bit more…let's talk...talk to me. 

- that's my song Gaz(*1). Can't you speak your own words?

- you've got no reason to be scared

- I'm not scared, I'm bored

- You're scared and I know it. Do you want to stay here pretending to be okay when in fact you're so messed up you don't even leave your house for a walk?! - I raised my hands like giving up - then fine with me. 

- I've never asked for your help.

- you're too afraid to ask anything to anybody.

- sounds like a lost case. Are you giving up on me, Gaz? This feels like déjà-vu.

- go ahead and blab as if you were in a cheap soap-opera of yours! Maybe you missed that there's no one here! It's just you, me and this huge weight on our shoulders..whom are you're pretending for?! Or it comes to you as natural as breathing?! 

My words came out loud and nasty, more than I had meant them to be..and I immediately regretted losing my temper.

Weird enough, Rob went suddenly quiet. 

I stole a glance at him just in time to make our eyes meet. It was just a moment and I may be wrong, but it felt like he was pleased that I cared enough about him to anger. He said nothing: came back to the table, though.

As he sat down, he got back hiding behind the usual facade.

- don't you dare treat me like a child, Gaz - he said, handing me a mug.

- stop acting like one then.

- I'm not, I'm just pointing out that there's nothing left to say. We're pals again, everything's fine. No further discussion needed.

- look who's the bad liar, now

- then explain me what's the point in this chat! I told you I'm gay, you said it's fine. So what? what are we doing here? do you wanna show me how sympathetic you are with my closeted gay life?

- I just want you to confide in me. I want you to really understand how sorry I am for what happened back then..

- here we go. you're here to show me that you're better than I'll ever be, 'cause you can forgive me when I couldn't forgive you. Got it, Gas, no need to bother. We'd been talking about that stuff all evening. I've changed, you've changed. You're not that bossy anymore, I'm not that cunt anymore. I'm sorry for what I said and you're sorry for not listening to me. No need to repeat it all over again.

- actually, I want you to understand..

- that you're better than me because I punched you in the face when you were already crawling on the floor, while you've just come here to save my life when there was no reason for it. How noble of you. You're really that national treasure they say.

- is your cynicism meant to be hurting me? Because seriously Rob, it doesn't.

- They say you need a heart to get it broken

- I tell you for the last time: stop playing your stage persona with me. I'm not taking any of this crap.

- then you stop psychoanalyzing me.

I fought the urge of hitting back at him.

I sighed, eyes half-closed, venturing how to deal with him, how to break the wall, given that he wasn't able to let it fall.

I've known him since we were almost kids and well enough to sense he meant nothing of what he said. I knew he felt guilty for what he'd done to me, as I knew that despite his huge success, despite all his money, he still felt inadequate. He was scared of being pitied and scared of being rejected (*2): just I didn't know if he wanted my friendship or more than that. As well as I didn't know how to put the finger on it. The problem was, he wasn't a kid anymore: he was a man, a hard one, and I couldn't change his mind as I used to do back then. I couldn't hold his hand saying it's alright as I used to (*3).

Honestly, I didn't know what to do.

He was standing defeated in front of me: his head low, both his hands placed on the table, as if they were holding up his whole body through the arms.

I've experienced myself what being at the bottom means and he mirrored it perfectly: his face showed the marks of his past drugs addiction, he couldn't stop fidgeting, he was overweight and his hair was a total mess. 

Still, he was the most beautiful man to me and there was no one I wanted more on the whole earth. 

I just wanted him back.

When we had met at the Conrad hotel he wasn't well and I knew it. What had hurt me the most was the feeling of being powerless: I was kind of a stranger to him, we barely talked to each other and we lived - we still live - in different countries. I was not allowed to give him any advice of any kind and he'd probably refuse them as the best evidence that my old attitude of directing people's lives was about raising again. I hadn't been there to wipe his tears, I hadn't been there to prevent him from falling. 

According to the press, he had this new Turkish girlfriend: it was her task then, not mine. 

He had Max Beesley too, whatever you wanna name their relationship: I knew he was living with Rob, even if Rob was officially in a relationship with the girl (*4). I also knew that Max wasn't the right one, though: Rob has never gotten along with actors.

Most important, I knew that I'd take care of Rob better than these two.

You may say I'm arrogant and you're probably right. Would I succeed if I was in their shoes? I actually don't know. What I know for sure, though, is that they both failed.

Rob's life cracked less than two years ago because he hadn't been able to quit his drugs addiction. He was clearly under drugs and out of himself, on stage as well as off stage. If you love him, then don't watch his South America live performances, because it'd be too painful.

Until one day the press announced he had been taken to hospital, 24 hours far from death.

I really felt like it was me, the one about to die. 

Thank God, he went to rehab.

I prayed for his recovery every single day. I even wrote a song for him. I didn't want to look pathetic to him, though: I asked Mark to sing it (*5). 

Now, he was more or less clean: still, nothing had changed in his life. He had found his supposed better half, but this hadn't been of any help (and now I got why: he was gay). He lived like a recluse, with this huge bunch of gay friends hanging around the house the whole time, while his supposed girlfriend lived in another area of the villa. He was still drinking more than he should and frequently facing panic attacks (*6). His self-esteem had been kind of destroyed and he wasn't confident enough to perform. He was so fucking scared of being hurt, that he was unable to open his heart to me.

I'd try everything, though: "nobody said it was easy", wasn't that the lyric?

I knew there was one way only.

I had to do the first step myself: I had to tell him my truth before he told me his.

I had to take all the risks - would he just laugh at me? - without any security of success.

That was so unlike me.
 

I wouldn't survive the humiliation of being rejected. 

I wouldn't survive if he just looked at me in pity, saying that I was a nice person after all and a good lad. I wouldn't survive if he patted me on the shoulder and said "it was ages ago, didn't even know you were still thinking of it! Let's get over it, we can be good friends now".

I wouldn't survive if I took the effort and confessed to him all the things I'd been hiding for years…and he simply wasn't interested in any of that. 
 

I wouldn't survive if he looked at me as you look at someone whose feelings you didn't return…I'd die if I got to see that weird mixture of pity and embarrassment in his eyes. 

The 'I-need-an-easy-way-out-without-hurting-him-too-badly' look: God, spare me, please.

Still, I had no choice and I was painfully aware of it.

Either I'd get everything or nothing.
 

Of course, I could just keep on being silent. 

But if I chose to be silent, then I would have to be silent forever: and I wasn't sure I would manage to do it. Better, I knew I wouldn't: I knew I'd regret it for the rest of my life and I'd let it out, before or later.

This was my chance and I wouldn't get another one.

I placed the empty mug on my right, fighting the urge to reach out for his hand over the table. 
 

I wished it was that simple.
 

My voice came out just louder than a murmur, my eyes were fixed on the table.
 

- I know what you meant before. When you said that you expected me to get scared as I knew that you're gay. You think that after your coming out speech, I'll be forced to wonder about myself. You think I'd get scared of knowing who I am.
 

He turned to me, not sure whether he could believe his ears or not. He didn't expect me to talk that way and he parted his lips as if he wanted to say something; still, he just kept silent, worried that I would stop if he heckled me.
 

- I'm not scared. I'm not scared, because I'd been thinking it over already - I paused and stole a glance at him. His jaw was tense, his eyes were fixed on the wall. I couldn't tell what he wanted me to say: was he worried of me being straight or being gay? - and whether or not you believe me…Rob, back then I didn't know. I swear I didn't. It took me ages to realize that I'm not what I wanted to be. You were gone and I wanted a girlfriend…
 

- you didn't want a girlfriend. You wanted to launch your solo career. It all started because of that, not because you wanted to cure your bleeding soul.
 

- I never hoped I could cure my soul. I perfectly knew I couldn't and you should know it best, since it was you who made it bleed - I hit back at him harshly - We had problems and it started to bleed. We split up and it continued to bleed. You went away and it started to bleed even more. You charged me with all your problems and it kept on bleeding. You'd been blabbing endlessly about love..but it's you who was the one who went away. It's you who was the one who never came back. I just tried to survive: I wanted a family like my parents had. I wanted to make them proud. I just wanted to be safe at least and..
 

- then I'm the one who didn't take on his own responsibilities. I get it's all my fault if you decided to live the lie. 
 

- thank God you're living a full truth instead - I replied being hit where it hurts - with your sham girlfriend upstairs and all your gay friends in the garden.
 

- I'm a liar and I know it. It doesn't change that you were the one who got a girlfriend to prove that you're not gay, because it would help your solo career. We all needed to show we were straight, didn't we?! We had been in Take That, after all. And you wanted to show it to yourself as well..and to your family. If I had been a woman, things would have gone differently. The truth is you chose her over me, because that way was easier. All the rest is bullshit.
 

- It wasn't just that. I was hurting and I didn't know how to stop it before I ended up standing at your door. I wanted to stop the pain and my pride forced me to show I no longer cared about you.
- you proved it quite well.

- It's not me the one who wrote the word 'end'.

- didn't you? not even that night? (*1)

- I didn't leave you.

- You made me leave you.

- I couldn't trust you! And after you've gone, what else was I supposed to do? Did you want me to out both of us while you were allegedly shagging with that noble girl whose name I don't even remember?! (*2) I just wanted a safe home to come back to, I wanted someone who really needed me, someone who wanted me for good. 
 

- you wanted to do what your parents expected you to do, that's the point and you know it. 
- I've already said it's true - I said slowly - I'm just saying it wasn't just that.

It took a moment before he realized what I had said in its entirety. He couldn't believe that I admitted being influenced by my family and I couldn't blame him.
I would never, never admit it, in the past. Not in a million years.
But the past was gone.
 

Rob was so surprised, though, that he even tried to be more offensive, as if he wanted to push me up to my breaking point, the point where I would stand up for my family throwing all the faults at him. 

Just that moment would never come. 

Not anymore.
 

-You've never talked about anything in your fucking family. (*3) The main rule has always been 'hide the dirt under the carpet'.
 

- I know. It's true.
 

- Your mother had to know. She knew it from the start. All that fuss about your trip with Nigel…she knew it (*4). She decided to dismiss her doubts, she decided to ignore the whole thing, because if she ignored it, you wouldn't be allowed to talk about it.

- I know.
 

- You let her decide for you.

- I was scared of losing her love.

- you think I wasn't?

- your mother is not..

- she's not as perfect as yours? yes, my father left her and she was a drunk (*5): you never hid you didn't like my mother, that's not great news (*6).
 

- I just wanted to say she's never been as rigid as mine. After your father left, you were all she had… she had to be more comprehensive than my mother has ever been. And you know what, she was soft and open minded, compared to my father. I loved my parents. I still love them with all my heart. I've seen them make all kind of sacrifices to make me happy despite the lack of money. They've worked so hard their whole life, getting nothing in return but a little house in that unsightly place (*7). I wanted to repay them, I was their only chance and I knew it. You're here trying to make it all look easy, but I know you struggled before you told your father.  

- didn't know you were into gossip. I see you've read all Kinsella's interviews (*8). 

- was he wrong?

- you're derailing the discussion from the key point: you wanted to be the man your parents wanted you to be. I knew you wouldn't be better. I knew it since 'Nobody else' was out. If you only knew how those few lines about your future life haunted me in my nightmares (*9)..

- Rob..

- I tried to tell you so many times - he was suddenly talking to himself more than to me - I told you we won't end like your parents .. I told you that you couldn't stick to the habits you had learnt ..I told you we'll never be like your father and your mother.. but you never listened to me (*10).
 

- How could I trust you! How could I trust you enough to put all my life in your hands! Should I risk all I had because you wrote a fistful of songs saying that our generation had got to be heard?! (*11) While you were insulting me on all the magazines at the very same moment?! You went away with no warning, you run away and you didn't look back! And before you left, I couldn't trust you either. I couldn't build a future with you, not with the man you had become. And you know it's true, that's the point!

- the point is you never cared about me and that's why I ran away.

- of course I didn't care, that's why my heart got broken as you left me and I wanted you to be a part of my life forever (*12).

- I didn't want you to write a fucking song, I wanted you to fight for me! I wanted you to ask me to stay, I wanted you to ask me to come back, I wanted you to care more about me than about your fucking pride!

- you know what? I wanted you to think of me before getting drunk! I wanted you to think of me before embarrassing me in front of strangers and in front of my family! I wanted you to think of me before cheating on me! I wanted you to think of me before going away! Even if I'm not good with words..

- don't worry, I know that!
 

- I know I took you for granted: I know it and I had so many lonely times to regret it. I didn't reassure you the way you needed to be..but on the other side, you never did anything to make yourself be trusted. You never did anything to win over my fears, you never tried to behave like an adult. You never took care of me. While I did try to take care of you.

- you didn't really try.
 

- I was blind in many ways, but I did try. I'm only three years older than you, forgive me if I've been unable to make miracles all by myself! I couldn't succeed over your alcohol abuse, over drugs, over our own concerns and fears..I didn't even know who I was myself! Without speaking of our managers..they didn't make it easy and you know it well (*13).   

- That's why I've always known that you'd leave me sooner or later (*again 13).

- I wouldn't.

- You would and I just left before you could hurt me.

- I tell you I wouldn't.
 

- are you gay?
 

The way he suddenly changed the subject made me freeze. 

Here I was, at last. 
 

I took a deep breath. I didn't know how to start, I didn't know what to say. I didn't even know who exactly I was: I just knew who I wasn't.
 

-  I don't know.. I guess I am - I said, feeling like a fool. I expected him to mock me because of this stupid answer, but he didn't say anything and I went on before my words could be replaced by an uncomfortable silence.
 

- I gave head to Nigel and it wasn't a secret. I had just two girlfriends before Dawn, I seldom saw them (*14) and I cheated on them with you the whole time. You were the first person I fell in love with. I've never been really attracted to women, but I didn't dislike them either..not completely, I mean. I liked them enough to pretend with myself that I could make it work. 

He just nodded, his eyes still avoiding mine. Was I doing it right? I had no idea.

The silence filled the air for a moment and then he added: 

- you call yourself bisexual then.
 

- I'm more clever than you make me, Rob. I know I'm not. I can stare at a nice bum, I can look at big boobs, but I've never felt true passion for a woman in my whole life. I can have sex with a woman without failing at it, but it has never been and it would never be like having sex with a man to me. And I know it  for sure, because I've experienced both. I find women are nice, I don't desire women. And it's not only about sex, it's about feelings…I've never ever had a deep soul connection with any woman. Never ever. I know that. And I'm a grown up, I'm old enough to know what it means.
 

- You know what, I was surprised when you went on dating her.
 

I suddenly felt my heart pounding in my ears madly. I had never really thought of it.. how did Rob feel about Dawn and me?! I realized that I feared of knowing it.  
 

- I mean, she was the exact opposite of what you wanted in any sense, even keeping the gender out of the frame. You've always said you wanted somebody funny by your side, somebody able to make you laugh.. and she's all seriousness and shyness. You've always said you liked dark hair and she's blonde. You've always said you wanted somebody who shared your passion for music..and she has never been interested in your career, not even in your songs or in music in general. (*15). You two have nothing in common, except for the fact you wanted a wife and she wanted to be a wife. 

I couldn't reply. I knew he was right. 
 

I perfectly knew I had chosen her because she stroke me like the right one to start a family with. Somebody who'd never interfere with my professional life. Somebody who clearly would stop working for the rest of her life as soon as she got pregnant the first time. Somebody who'd raise my kids in peace and quiet, a fixed point I could return to, a warm house where I could stay. Still wishing, in my sleepless nights, I could live in another world where everything was easier. 
 

- I knew you didn't love her. I had known it since you gave that interview where you said she was a good girl and a good one to start a family with. It happened in the first years of your relationships, before you two got married…and you didn't even say you loved her. (*16) It should have been the first thing to say, shouldn't it?! We've been asked about love in Take That..when we were together…and you didn't say you were dating a good person. You said you were in love. (*17)  
 

- she's a good mother.

- I've never said she's not.
 

- You've got to understand that it all started, with Dawn, after we split up. I was knocked down and I wanted to prove that I didn't care, that I could survive and my life would be even better without you. In the depth of my heart I never truly believed it would, but I strongly wanted to believe it in my mind. Nigel told me it would be better if I had a girlfriend, since we were planning a solo career; I liked Dawn and it was easier with her because we had already met years before. I made her understand I had had all kind of experiences in the past, hoping she would remember the balantly gay videoclip we filmed together in the late 80's (*18) ..and she would understand by herself. She didn't ask for further details and I was more than happy to dismiss the topic. I think she perfectly understood: and she stayed. She never asked me how this would affect our relationship: I expected her to ask me if I would get a male lover besides her, but she never did. I don't know if she was fine with whatever might come of if she just thought that the advantages of being with a rich man were more than the disadvantages. She was my only distraction after you left (*19). When she wasn't by my side, I was unable to face life alone: I couldn't sleep, I kept asking myself where you might be, if your nights were sleepless as mine, how did it all went wrong (*20). I couldn't go on like that. I needed to change and she was the embodiment of this change. Still, I never really thought I'd marry her. Maybe I hoped you'd come back, or… I really don't know. Until the pavement crushed under my feet and looking around, she was the only rock I could rely on. She was all my world and I just thought I could be happy, it would work, I really wanted it to work. All the things I had been taught as a kid - have a family, get a wife and settle down, be a father - became my priority after Angels topped the charts, the press turned against me and my solo career failed.
 

- but she was already pregnant when you married her (*21). I wondered..  

- if she trapped me.

- well, I… yes.

- would you blame her? We'd been together for five years and I kept promising 'we'll marry'…but I never proposed.

- then she trapped you.

- I wouldn't say that, Rob.

- did you propose before or after she told you she was pregnant?

- I proposed before.

- don't sell me the crap of your book.

- I proposed before: the book speaks the truth. 

- maybe..about that.

He paused, implying that I had written a tons of lies in the book.

 - well, let's assume it's true: then you proposed after Nicole Appleton got pregnant and we were engaged to be married. Now tell me, did you propose to Dawn before or after I proposed to Nicole?

- don't go there.

- but it's really weird coincidence, Gas.

- Robert I warn you.

- I'm right, then.
 

- what do you want me to tell? That I proposed to Dawn because I found out that you were engaged to Nicole and she was pregnant, so that I knew I had lost you forever?! That I proposed because I wanted to go on with my life once you published 'No regrets' shouting that our love was dead, that I was too short to carry my weight and that you couldn't help but hate me?! (*22) Fuck, you even shot the videoclip wearing the engagement ring (*23)! It was so unlike you, Robert! I'm sure you would never wear your engagement ring in your next videoclip if you decided to marry Ayda or whoever else! You wore it just to hurt me, don't even try to deny it! You shouted that our love was dead in the song and you showed me your brand new engagement ring in the videoclip just to prove it!
 

I realized I was out of breath, and I was taken aback by my own passion.

Before Rob could reply, I said - I wouldn't have married her if you had come back. That's why I waited so long before marrying her, but..

- bollocks.

- you never came back, though. You fell in love with your success. You spent all the time shouting that I had no talent.

 - you wouldn't have taken me back, if your career succeeded.

- that's where we've broken. You never believed I truly loved you.

- you put me in second place.

- I did and I regret it, but I I had time enough to understand how I missed you. You're right, I wouldn't marry you in any case. But I wouldn't marry her either. You broke my heart when you left.

- I hate to repeat myself, but you never asked me to stay.

- I thought you'd be back. 
 

- it's not the same.
 

- I was sure you'd be back.

- because you never listened to me. (*24) 

- I couldn't find the words to express my feelings..

- unless it was in a the song.

- don't be that stubborn! you know I'm introverted. And that's not gonna change. If I don't show my feelings, it doesn't mean I have no feelings. I've been taught to hide my emotions and you should know it better than anyone else. There was no one to love me, there. No one in the whole world, except for her. My life was falling apart and you shouted all day long I was talentless.
 

- you knew I didn't mean it, you knew I never believed it.

- I didn't know instead!  How could I?! You were million miles away with Guy Chambers and your shining career and all your number one hits and your models and your one-night-stand boys, shouting to the whole world how much you hated me. And I was in the USA, without any friend, crying because I had been fired by the label. I was hurt and jealous and I came close to hating you..when I still missed you. When she told me she was pregnant, I thought I could give my life a sense, at least. I wanted to balance the mess in my soul and the cruelty of star business with a family like the one I had..I thought this marriage was the right thing to do for myself and for the baby, I really believed I could be happy, I really believed I could make her happy somehow.. I wanted to give this kid a stable life..
 

- that's so like you, Gaz. You'd rather be right than be loved (*25). You've never let me love you like I wanted to do.
 

- I know my mistakes. And I'm asking for your forgiveness. But I want you to admit your mistakes as well: you are just charging me with the entire failure of our relationship and that's not fair. It's not fair and you know it. And in any case, whatever you think of our past, you're not entitled to say I didn't love you, because I always did. What was I supposed to do after you'd gone? Was I just supposed to lie in a grave because you didn't want me anymore?!

His face cracked into a smile.
 

- what else?! What! - I shouted almost crying.
 

- just.. well - his voice broke as well, his breath was quickly fastening - I've always thought it was the opposite. I thought it was you, the one who didn't want me anymore. (*26)
 

- I've never stopped loving you. Not even a single day, not even when I hated you. I could never stop loving you.
 

He shocked his head in disbelief. His gaze lowered until I was not able to see his eyes anymore. 

I could easily tell he was fighting with himself, as if he wasn't sure whether to talk or not.

Then he finally spoke.

It was just a whisper: - what you mean, what you mean with 'never'? 

His big teary eyes turned to me, while he bit his lips trying to hold back the tears. 

I felt a lump in my throat, my eyes went teary as well and I just couldn't keep it any longer.

- I still love you.

NOTES: *This chapter is very long. You can read it in tranches. Thanks to Esther for reading it before I uploaded it: you made me avoid mistakes, thanks. Thanks to the 493 people who read the previous chapter. * Some of the contents are let's say 'politically scorrect': this is a fiction and I don't feel obliged to stick to conventions or politeness. If you think reading critics about Gary's or Robbie's marriages and wives would make you uncomfortable, then don't read.

****

I told him that I still loved him. In a gay way. Well I didn't say 'gay' but it was pretty clear what I meant. I said I loved him out and loud, which took me the biggest effort of my life.

Being in some cheap rom-com, at this point Rob would've blurted out in passion how much he loved me, kissing me eagerly. 

Only, it wasn't.

I waited, my throat suddenly dry. I was just concerned that whatever I said, I would make it worse. 

Rob opened his mouth in shock but said nothing: motionless, heavily breathing, his eyes blank, little tears streaming down on his face. He was clearly unable to utter a word, as if his body was still in the kitchen but his mind wasn't there anymore.

As my hand touched him, he roused from trance and shifted away like burned. Before I could say something, he got up and reached the opposite side of the room, fleeing from my gaze. His shoulders were facing me again and I felt like all my efforts had gone to waste, like all the talking had been meaningless. I felt like opening my heart to him had been completely, totally useless. And I didn't know how to handle it.

- I so wanted you to stop me. 

I looked at him, his words sounding in my ears for a while before I properly realized what he meant with that. 

As I did, it took me a supernatural effort to fight the impulse of holding him close. But I knew better. I knew I had to let him tell his side of the story. That was why we were here, wasn't it? 

- When I went away, you know. I so hoped you'd say "don't leave". I remember how long it took me to cover the distance between the table we all were sitting at and the door. I remember I kept on saying "I'm off, then, I'm off" (*1) hoping you'd tell me "please, stay" … but you didn't.

- I wish I told you. 

- You didn't.

- I know. Listen, I didn't even know how to name the thing between us. Besides, I couldn't stand up for you. You had betrayed our trust and it wasn't the first time. It would have been unfair to Nigel and to Howard and Jason. Even to Mark, as desperate as he was at the idea of losing his partner in crime. I'm not denying I was annoyed. I really was. You were saying you wanted to leave every single day..and you never actually left. As time went by, I just stopped taking you seriously.

- I never left because I didn't really want to… 

- that's exactly what I'm saying.

- no, what I mean is I just hoped to upset you, I was waiting for that "please don't go" that you never said.

- I never thought you would really leave, you had been spending months shouting "I'm about to leave and become a popstar" without doing anything for real. Since you left, I've been spending my time asking myself "what would have been, If I had asked him to stay? Would have he gone anyway? would have he stayed for me?".  But that was after. At that time, I was sure you were just teasing and I didn't want to be the begging one, not after you behaved like you didn't give a damn about us. I didn't see any reason to swallow my pride, because I was pretty sure you would have never left and if you ever had, you would come back in a few weeks. 

-  Because you underrated me.

- I know. I did.

- Or maybe you were just relieved that I left.

- Listen, if you wanna hear me say that you're a difficult one.. yes, you are. If you wanna hear me say that I was exhausted by you, by your problems, by your tears, by your screaming, by the whole situation…yes, I was. Did I ever think ? Oh, yes, I did. As well as you shouted you were happy to leave me behind. You've got to know you don't own the the exclusive of anger. You keep saying you felt ignored, well you've got to understand I felt betrayed. Was I relieved? Yes I was. Was I angry? Of course. Was I broken hearted? I guess it showed more than I wanted. And before you ask, yes, I tried to forget…who wouldn't, in my shoes?! You left and I thought whatever was wrong with me, whatever that thing between us had been… well clearly it had gone to waste in the worst kind of way and sooner or later, I would have ended up thinking  it had been for the better. 

- You make it look so easy. As if people could go like "from tomorrow on, I won't love him anymore". For the record, it wasn't that easy for me.  

- it wasn't for me either. 

- really? It didn't show.

- Don't you even dare. You left - not me - and I focused on my career, then oops! my career went to shit. Less than three years from the split and I had lost both you and the career I'd been planning since I was nine. You should know better than many others  that love and career are the pillars people ground their lives on: when one of them falls, you rely on the other. Pity was, none of them was still standing in my life. When you divorce, you work harder than before as a distraction. If your boss is an asshole, you relax having romantic dinners on Saturday night. I had nothing left, only a relationship I wanted to believe in because I had no other choice. It wasn't just that: the thing is I couldn't get over the fact 'Angels' marked the end of my career. A song of yours. It had been a song of yours, Rob…have you ever thought of how it made me feel?!. The label saw me as a failure on legs, they obliged me to go to the US and all the rest is history. At that point I had no self-confidence left. I felt like I had betrayed everyone's expectations, mine included. Which of course hurt the most. 

- are you admitting you've got a huge Ego?

- I'm just saying nobody likes to fail in front of the whole planet. I felt like hiding forever in the deepest hole I could find. What I needed was a fixed point in my life, something I could rely on. I thought what had made my parents happy would make me happy as well and I  took refuge in my domestic bubble, where no one was up to judge me and I had no comparisons to face. I had all things people usually fancy - children, wife, money - and still I was unhappy. I felt like I had no right to feel sad…and still I was. It's not that didn't value what I had, really. The domesticity I set myself in prevented me from getting completely lost. Still, it couldn't make me happy either. I was feeling useless and alone and  of course things - drugs, food-obsession, depression - were way worse than I pictured them in the books. I was depressive and unable to compose. When I felt like writing, my lyrics were all about the huge mistakes I had made in my life. I had already given up trying to convince myself I was hurting just because I lost my job. I was painfully aware it wasn't just that. I spoke in the songs all those words I would never say out loud. I didn't want you to be this permanent stone in my shoe (*2), year after year, but I just couldn't get over you. Anger lasts months, cold anger may last longer, but only hate and love last so many years. I didn't hate you, though. Hate makes you feel like destroying the enemy, I just wanted to talk to you, to get you back in my life and keep you safe. At times, I thought of you at nights. I thought of how it all went wrong, how would it be having you in my arms again, if you forgot about me, if you would ever look back at me, even if you were a sex symbol and I was the fat one.

I paused for a moment and turned to him, but he didn't look back. 

- You've been one of the reasons why I accepted to do it again, to tour again. I wanted to erase the memories of my solo failure, but at the same time, I knew 'Take That' were the magic words to get you back in my life. I had it confirmed it when you almost accepted to show up at that gig back in 2004 (*3). I knew you had huge regrets about your past and you wouldn't meet me face to face without the 'Take That' screen. I hoped you would show up when we shot the documentary and I'm not denying I felt my heart falling into pieces when I realized you weren't there: I wondered whether it was because you didn't care enough or because you did care too much. I hoped it was because you were scared of giving too much away, as if you knew you couldn't trust yourself if you happened to stay in the same room as me. But I wasn't sure. It's hard to be sure of anything when it comes to you, isn't it? Still, I knew it was just a matter of time. With 'Take That' back on track, I knew we were about to end up in the same room again, sooner or later. 

I turned to him again and again, he didn't look back at me: actually, he looked like he was completely absent-minded, as if he had been following his own stream of thoughts instead of listening to me.

- do you remember when I used to spend my weekends at your house? (*4) I had this huge repertory of unlikely excuses you pretended to believe in…it's called sweeping under carpets, isn't it?! It was either "I don't want Mum to see me drunk" or "there are too many photographers around my house I can't go there" or "I don't want my Mum to realize how late in the night I get home" or "I love how your butler cooks for me". I only wanted you to realize it was  true love, what you were giving me (*5). I've been wondering for ages whether you never understood how deep my feelings were or you just chose to pretend you knew. All I wanted was to radiate your home (*6) -  he raised his eyes up and locked them with mine - It does look silly now, doesn't it?!  - he added, shaking his head, his eyes already wet.

- I thought my behavior would have forced you to answer the questions I could't ask…well it wasn't even a conscious thought, I was just kid.. I wanted your attention and felt pushed aside..the more I tried to show you how much I didn't care, the more I wanted you to care. Still it seemed you didn't care at all.. whatever I did…whoever I met… wherever I went…it was just the same to you. No rage. No screaming. No concerns. No jealously. Just "don't be late with the rehearsals". Now, I'm not throwing all the faults at you… you don't have to tell me that I behaved like an asshole…I actually was an asshole. I was in the "nobody could tell me what to do with my own life" phase. I wanted to party, I wanted to drink, I wanted to fuck, I wanted to fuck the system…but if you had tried harder with me instead of hiding yourself within your ivory tower (*7), you would have found that deep inside, what I really wanted was to get a reaction from you. I just wanted you to come and say "you're good at making music and I do appreciate your contribution", "stop ruining your life because I care", "stop giving yourself away because I'm jealous and you are worth my time", "please, stay". At the beginning, I wanted your approval. In the last months, it was beside the point if you were thinking of me on positive or negative terms: I just wanted your attention. After the split, I wanted to crush you as I felt you had crushed me. The truth, Gaz, is you should have asked yourself those questions you carefully avoided. And the main question is simply..

- Why.

- Why, indeed. Why was it so damn important to me, to have your approval? You're not my father or my mother, you're neither Nigel nor the President of Sony Music…you're not my brother, you weren't my best friend, you weren't my partner in crime and there were three other members in Take That other than us. Yes, you were the one who wrote the songs, the musician of the band…was it enough to explain the way I behaved with you?! Jason sacked me (*8) …did I ever shout at him?! No, all I did was go and shout on the press it was all your fault. Mark didn't stand up for me when I was sacked. Was I mad at him? Did I call him a damn traitor? No. I was angry at you for doing nothing but the same. It's always been about you… and you perfectly know that. I remember rage and frustration filling me to the bones day by day, until I came to think anything bad on this world had to be your fault and I would have proven you and the whole world wrong. First I wanted you to be forced to admit I was worth it. Then I wanted you to admit I was better than you could ever be. Basically, I wanted you to feel like an idiot for letting me go. I wanted you to regret this choice every day of your life. I wanted you to think "I rejected him and I'll never have another chance because he's out of my league". Either I cried  for you or shouted against you or begged for your pardon, I did it passionately. I would never be able to feel indifferent about you. You had to know I loved you immensely, even if I never told you. You just didn't care enough. 

- You're wrong on that one.

- Am I?

- I did care, much more than you think..I just couldn't show you how much I cared. It's absolutely untrue to any extent that I didn't care.

- that's how I felt, though. As I felt you were about to leave: in the end, you were the lead singer, it'd be all right for you if Take That split up… did you ever take a minute to think of what would have been of us, your little backing dancers? You knew our chances to build a solo career were smaller than yours.

- you're the last one to give me lessons about what being a team player means. Boy bands don't last forever and you should know it better than anyone else. You're right when you say I didn't stay in the band for the lads, though. I stayed in the band just for you, in fact. 

- I don't...

- I never thought I'd leave it all so late (*9): since I was nine, I wanted to be a solo artist. I accepted to take part in Take That because I knew it was my only shot but I never thought I'd stay. I thought I'd leave right after we topped the charts. I hated those stupid dance routines, I hated those half naked performances, I hated most of the stupid lyrics and the tracks they forced me to write because it all had to be suitable for 14 years old girls… basically, I hated what being in a boy band meant. To me, it was just my ticket to success. I thought I would leave and try as a solo artist as soon as I got a real chance, that was the plan. It was a brilliant plan, actually, only I couldn't stick to it. When I made the plan, I hadn't met you yet, I didn't know how quickly I would fall for you and I didn't know I would find myself unable to leave. I wanted my music to be taken seriously…I wanted to be credited as a composer, as a songwriter…and I perfectly knew I would never make it, as the lead singer of a boy band dancing 'Sure' while wearing t-shirts covered with holes. Nonetheless, I stayed. I stayed from the start till the last day and I stayed only for you. I stayed only to live next to you and how did you pay me back? Unreliable behavior, sudden departure and crap on magazines, thank you very much. After you left, I've been hit by the realization I had no reasons to keep staying in a band I never truly wanted to be a part of. I could be How's friend despite the split and I had no reasons on earth to postpone the launch of my solo career. Not anymore.

- com'on when I left you had already decided. It was clear it would have been a matter of months before Nigel asked you to go solo. We all knew that. I just didn't want to be the one you left behind, then I left first. 

- You're wrong, I would have never left you.

- we've already had this conversation, Gaz. I left and I just hoped you'd miss me enough to ask me back, but it wasn't going to happen, was it?! I know I've gone further than I should've gone with you. Actually I've never treated anybody else that bad in my whole life, but it was because I was feeling hurt.

- You think I wasn't?  - I asked in cold anger - You think I wasn't, all the times you got on stage shouting I was a fat asshole without any talent, when you collected your awards saying straight to the camera that you've always been the only talented member in Take That?! I've never hit back at you, though. That's the difference and it's not a small one. I never hit back at your insults, not even when I was bleeding inside. 

I realized I had raised my voice and I swore inside. I had promised myself I would never have gone there. I didn't mean to make him feel guilty, because I knew - I was sure - he already felt guilty enough by himself. Overwhelmed as I was, I had failed at keeping myself under control and the words had slipped out of my mouth before I could take them back. 

He looked at me biting down on his own lip and said nothing. I could sense all his sorrow in his contracted features, I could see the increasing tension of his jaw, I could feel him fighting back the tears. 

For a long moment, I thought he would swear at me. I thought I had messed it up for real, this time. 

But his voice came calm. 

- I've got your truth, Gaz. And I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm just telling you mine.

- I didn't mean…you know it doesn't matter… it doesn't matter anymore to me. 

He looked at me, sad and grateful at the same time. 

Sad, because he knew I was both lying and speaking the truth. He insulted me on the media and on the press, on radio and on TV, even performing live. And I never hit back at him. He knew this black spot would always stay in the rear part of my brain. I couldn't cancel it, he couldn't cancel it. We could just get over it. And that's why he was grateful. He understood that I really wanted to get over it, from the bottom of my heart.

- why didn't you phone me back when I called you? This chat could have happened back in 2003.

- you called me just because you listened to the song (*10).

- I did and I had learnt enough to know that you use sarcasm to hide your grief. I did want both of us to have the first happy Christmas in ages (*11) - I raised my hand to  prevent him from talking nonsense - but that's not what I really phoned you for. I called you because I missed you. I called you because as soon as I got better, as soon as I started to recover…my first thought was for you. I called you, because I had changed, because I just wanted to tell you how painful it was to me, to live without you. But you never called me back. 

- Did you know I wrote Ghosts after you called me? (*12).

- Who's the one who's unable to express his feelings unless it's in a song, now?

Point taken. I could see onto his face he wanted to hit back at me with on of those witty jokes of his..but couldn't find one. I saw him sighing: no easy way out, not this time.

- You've got to understand - he was rubbing his eyes with his hands - the thing is…I was so scared. I was scared of being questioned about all the dreadful things I'd said about you. I was scared of being rejected. I was even more scared that you might tell me how happy you were.. how happy your life was without me..I feared you'd say you were so happy in you new life…that you could even forgive me. Uncertainty is bad, but it's still better than seeing the word 'end' black on white. As long as we were apart, you couldn't look up at me and say 'we can be on civil terms now, because I've got an happy marriage and I don't care about the past anymore'. I didn't want to hear 'you don't count anymore', 'I don't love you anymore'. It took me ages to run away from what was said..none of us would ever leave..we were going to love each other forever..(*13). All those promises...gone to waste.

- You left, not me.

- I had no choice but go.

- then you make me feel guilty because I didn't ask you to stay!

- I wanted to stay in the band but not at any rate. I wanted to stay only if it meant I would get your attention and you would treat me like an equal. I would have stayed, if you only asked me to stay. And I would have stayed twice, if you said out loud you were mine. 

I closed my eyes, feeling the tears spilling out once again. I managed to hold them back. So I had got my answer finally. He would have stayed, if I had asked him to stay. I thought of Rob's first solo tour. "Should I stay or should I go? If you say you're mine I will stay till end of times" (*14).

I sighed, realizing Rob had kept talking.

- …I didn't know what to think about you and her. As I've said, she looked so different from what you've always said you wanted.. still, I was irrationally worried that you might really love her more than you ever loved me. 

- I knew you were. That song of yours, those lyrics, haunted me every night.

- Which lyrics?

- You know that.

- Which ones, Gaz?

Then I got it. He perfectly knew what I was speaking about: he just wanted me to say it out loud. The thing is, at that time he had accused me of choosing Dawn over him just because she was a woman and this would make it easier for me. He had put it all in a song, a harsh one where he said he was ready to leave me behind and he was about to write me a letter to show me how horrible I was as a person.  Now, he wanted me to admit he had hit me where it hurt. I suddenly realized I would do that for him. I would do anything - anything that was necessary - to make him understand that I deeply loved him. I took a deep breath and quoted his lyrics (*15) by memory:

"maybe I didn't love you

maybe you loved her less

would you have preferred, 

if I had worn the dress?"

He nodded and closed his eyes.

- You're still convinced that if you had worn a dress, if you were a woman, I would have run after you instead of going for her - I said, more as a statement to myself than to him - I really expected to get that letter, you know. The one where you described how horrible I was and how willing you were to leave me behind. 

He sighed, quoting the incipit of the song : "I'm gonna write you a letter, I think the sooner the better, 'cause the time is right to find a better day".

- Yeah - I said, thinking of all the pain those words caused me. I recalled what those words had meant to me back in 1997: Rob was about to turn the page...and I was meant to be left behind.

- I found myself unable to actually send it. I wrote the whole letter in my mind, I even started to put it down onto paper.. but the words were so unkind, I didn't have the courage to post it. I think an unconscious concern of mine was that if I sent it, you would hate me definitely and forever.. and I couldn't bear it. I didn't want it to happen, despite - his voice failed, remembering the awful things he had said about me throughout the years - despite the appearance - he managed to say.

- And you know what? As I first saw you at Conrad Hotel, as I locked your eyes with mine..I had this feeling that the old Gaz, the one who had somehow deserved those words in my opinion…well, he wasn't there anymore. I could't even remember him - he said holding back the tears one more time.

-That's only because you didn't recognize me - I said in order to lighten the atmosphere - in fact, two years ago I was still fatter than the old version of myself you used to know.

His face cracked into a little smile - well, of course you were - he said, turning to me - and now see how I've followed your example - he added, placing his right hand on his own belly.

I smiled back at him and raised my hands high

- I'm not the one to talk about anyone else's fatties. But I've heard working on your videoclips you get fed really well. 

- you should make a video with me then.

There was a brief silence, but it wasn't a hostile one, this time. 

- Why didn't you call me, after I left?

- first, because I thought you'd be back. Second, because I decided I would forget about you. Third, because I was sure you didn't really want my help: you have never let anyone help you actually. Fourth, because I thought it was up to you to pick up that damn phone if you wanted my help: it was you the one who left. Finally, because I feared you would have said you didn't want me in your life any longer. Either whether you wanted me or not, I was sure you would reject me just to show me how it feels 

- I probably would. I called you, though. I did call you.

- Nice call that was. You promised me you'd meet me after your recovery but you never called me again. 

- You were all polite and cold as people are when they try to be kind with people they don't give a shit about… you answered as if it didn't matter to you whether I called or not.

- it was totally unexpected, I got this call from your therapist and suddenly you were on the line (*16) talking as if nothing happened, like you had never left and you had never thrown shit at me… I just didn't know how to deal with it and I didn't want to lose my dignity.. if I sounded cold, that wasn't what I felt. I waited for the phone to ring again..

- you could have picked up the phone yourself!

- but it was never the voice I wanted to hear at the other end of the line. I waited for a call that you never made. (*17)

- whatever you felt, when we talked on the phone you answered with monosyllables like you were eager to hang up. I felt like I was some filth detail of your past you just wanted to forget about. I felt like I was the dirt in your life, the mess you were fed up with cleaning. It felt like you wanted order and light to fill your life and you saw me as an obstacle to achieve the result. You wanted to show your parents your blonde girlfriend, to get their approval and start your solo successful career. There wasn't room for me: you wanted me out of your life.

- I sent you a huge bunch of flowers after the call (*18).

- yeah, but you didn't bother coming in person, did you?. I know what you're about to say: I didn't come either. Isn't it all a negative form, when it comes to us? Isn't it all about things we didn't know and we didn't say and we didn't do, in the end? that night…tell me what was the point in admitting it, if denial followed right after. Tell me why it all went wrong. I still don't know how it all went wrong, after all these years.

- You know what, that chat used to wind before my eyes before I fell asleep. I could see your face all along. It was like a play where all the lines were mixed up and spoken in the wrong order. I've got no answer to your question, I really have no clue. You asked the wrong questions and I gave you the wrong answers.You didn't ask what you really wanted to ask and I pretended I didn't know what was going through your mind. I wish I could be back there and change all our answers. I wish I had called you that night to say I didn't mean it. 

- It would have changed our lives forever, maybe for the better, probably for worse. Maybe we would have ended up hating each other, angry because we had lost our careers. 

- We'll never know.

- I know. I'm just saying the truth was just more than we could understand back then and maybe you were right choosing her over me after all. You've got both a family and a successful career, in the end. What would you have had, being with me?!

- I didn't choose her over you. You were gone. And I didn't choose her, I chose the whole package, I chose family, security, kids…we have already had this chat, you know I do care about her, but you also know I married her because I thought it was the right thing to do for myself, for my family and for her … and she deserves all I can give her for always staying by my side. 

- You'll excuse me, if I don't clap my hands. 

- There's no reason to be mean.

- You're always mentioning the fact she stayed, like she deserves to be called a hero just for this reason. Well let me tell you this: her passive support is not what I'd call support at all.

- Thank God you showed me no support,  that was much better.

- The fact I was shit to you doesn't make her better. Do you mind me being honest?

- Look, Robert…

- You've got what I mean. Your marriage…is far from what you make it look like. I remember that interview where Howie said you and Dawn looked like an happy couple from the outside and he believed you were happy looking from the inside too (*19). Com' on, how weird was that?! He's one of your best friends, Gaz…if I was asked about my best friend's relationship, knowing he's happy I would answer "yes they're so happy" or "yes they're so in love". It wouldn't even cross my mind to distinguish things as they look from the outside and things as they truly are.

- we weren't seeing each other each day … we met as frequently as we could… and he couldn't know what it was like between Dawn and me.

- oh, com'on Gaz! He's one of your best friends, if you had been happy, he would have known it from fifty miles away, he would have been able to tell it as he first saw you, he would have read it in your eyes since 1995 when you both were still in the band and you started dating her. While did he feel like making this distinction?! Also, phones do exist and you've always kept in touch with him. If you had been happy, he would have known.

- Right, so Howard is a clever person and even if we barely talked about forgotten relations (*20), he probably knew more that than I told him. Maybe he understood I wasn't 100% happy. Is it the point you wanted to prove? 

- I'm not proving anything. I've always found clever the way you renovated your public image when Take That came back. You had just one distinctive characteristic: you had a family. Which is not a strength in itself, it might even be a handicap when you deal with hormonal women… but you made a strength out of it… the romantic girls who loved you back then have turned into practical mums and housekeepers now, slightly frustrated by daily routine and still dreaming about the blonde prince to come and save them from ironing… people who would definitely love you to appear in their bed instead of the husband they had… that's where the "family man image" came up, isn't it?! Smart move indeed, turning a weakness into a strength…I must say your manager is really talented. 

- I don't see the point in this conversation.

- I do, Gaz. This 'good boy' image is really paying off. Well, the 'bad boy' image was already taken, wasn't it?! And it wouldn't fit you in any case. That's why you're so careful about your supposed 'normality', because that's what people expect from you. You want people to think you're an  ordinary man and your wife is an ordinary housekeeper, the kind of family your conservative fans can easily relate to. You love Sunday football and she loves cooking biscuits. A 21st century! You don't tell people you have a cook, you want people to think she cooks for you… you pretend she is the one who takes all the decisions in the end, as it happens in most of the families…it all screams 'normality', doesn't it?! The men in the pub relate to you, because their wives are just the same as yours… and the housekeepers relate to you too, of course Dawn is the heart of the family as well as they think they are the heart of their families… you even let people assume she chooses your clothes, while it's obviously the contrary. Her clothes used to be almost worse than yours - I didn't know it was possible, actually - well, now that you've gone cool, her clothes have suddenly improved. Grey and black dresses, beige and black coordinates, silk. Even a blind man would spot from the distance each time you are together her clothes have to fit your style, your image, your exigencies. Don't tell me it's not your stylist who chooses her clothes. She doesn't even choose her pants, when she's out with you for dinner, am I wrong?

- Choosing clothes is obviously the key point in any marriage. To know if a marriage works, look at their matching clothes.

- Are we at this point already?! Sarcasm to avoid questions?! You need to be desperate to act like me, Gaz. 

- Got a good teacher.

- What kind of marriage have you two got? What kind of marriage is a marriage where people don't talk about anything relevant ever and never share any of the meaningful choices..? She didn't want to live at you manor, but she kept silent for three years - I mean, three years -  until you brought up the subject. Don't tell me she didn't say anything because she loved you so much. She kept being silent because it was easier (*20bis). That's her speciality, isn't it?! You had been fired, you fell into depression and took refuge in drugs abuse and you were so overweight you could barely move…and what did she do? Nothing. But oh, she didn't leave you! I'm so impressed, what a heroin! Meanwhile, you had to do it all alone. Where was she when you started to feel worse and worse?! People don't end up hugely depressed and drug addict and overweight in one day. Where was she while you were falling into the dark? She turned her head away, she ignored the problem as if there was a change it would simply disappear. It was you, the one who finally realized you couldn't go on like that… it was you, the one who kicked everything all by yourself. She never spoke a word when she was supposed to. She never helped you or supported you the way she should have done. Do you think somebody who truly loves you would behave like that? Keeping silent and waiting for the miracle to happen by itself?

- I was her husband, the one with the money and the father of her kids: she's a simple woman and probably she just felt like it wasn't up to her to argue with me or oppose me..she made what she thought was her job, she raised the kids the best she could in order to make me happy.

- How modern. Save this stuff for the 'Daily Mail', you don't believe a word that you said. She may be simple and conservative, she may be not be that clever - she definitely isn't - but this doesn't make her unable to behave as a person in love would behave like. When you love, you try to do what's best for your beloved one, even if this makes him hate you. Whatever it takes, you try what's the best for him. Even if it means trouble, even if it might lead to arguments, even if you would end up suffering, you just do what's the best for the person you love. A true wife would have taken you to the doctor by force years before you had the strength to ask for help. A true wife would have said something, would have tried to shake you, would have argued, would have cried, would have asked pleas, she would have faced the risk to lose you in order to save you, would have tried anything.. she would have taken you to the doctor literally by force, if necessary. What about Dawn? She had been witnessing your successful attempt to destroy yourself for years - years - without really moving a finger. She did nothing which could potentially ruin or change her routine.  She looked more interested in not winding you up, in not giving you any reason to complain about her, any reason to leave her, that into loving you. Being silent, saying always 'yes' , letting you fall into the dark.. was not a matter of love, it was just easier.

- Actually, I spent my days barricaded in the home studio doing nothing and smoking and eating and I didn't talk at all…she didn't know how deep my problems were.

- it wasn't that difficult to infer from your behavior you were depressed and you needed professional help. As it wasn't that hard to understand you couldn't go on eating like that or taking drugs like that. 

- but..

- It's just that simple: you just said you loved me, didn't you say that?

- yes - I quickly nodded - I do love you and I'd like to get an answer..

He dismissed my attempt.

- You claim you love me? Well. Tell me.. what's the first thing you did, Gaz, as you got half a chance? You just came here to announce me that you're gonna kick my ass until I stop behaving like an asshole, isn't all this about it? Isn't it your plan? You came here because you don't want me to throw my entire career into the toilet and you're not gonna give up until you find a way and fix me. Am I wrong?! I know you well enough Gaz, I know it doesn't matter how much I scream, how much I protest, how many times I fail you: you won't give up. And if your persistence makes me hate you, still you won't give up. You won't give up in any case, until I'm better. This is the way a person in love behaves.You see the difference, don't you? 

I swallowed and said nothing.

-Your wife has always been more interested in saving the marriage than in saving you. Maybe she really thinks a wife always has to say 'yes' and pretend she doesn't see. Maybe she loves the fact you give her a sense, the only thing who gives her an identity is being your wife. Or maybe she loves you but not as she should. Whatever it is, she doesn't love you enough to put your happiness before hers. A true wife would have made you fly to the doctor's office by kicking your ass no matter what … and it would have been years before you reached like 120 stones. A true wife would have recognized the signs of your depression. Dawn just thought "I'll have another kid to turn things right and save this marriage". 

I felt my jaw grow tense immediately.

- I warn you Robert, leave my kids alone.

- I don't even know how you got to make her pregnant, unless she went to a clinic. People who over smoke and take drugs and pharmacies to fight depression usually can't have sex at all. Without considering you were so overweight. By the way, the world is full of women who think more kids will save their marriages and will make their men change…and your wife definitely seems to be one of them. Unless she was just looking for a way to keep herself busy since her life must have been incredibly boring: she couldn't count on you, she doesn't work and she has no intellectual interests at all, as far as I know at least.

- I'm not allowing you this.

- I'm saying nothing you don't know already. She was pregnant when you married her. You faced depression and she was pregnant again. You felt better, no more kids. A normal couple with two kids. Six years pass by…she's thirty-nine and you're absorbed by your job. It definitely seems you're done with kids. Then we - me and you - finally meet in public after ten years, it was last January… and 'bam!', three months after she is pregnant. That's what I call timing. Do you seriously think she didn't know something big was likely to happen after we agreed to show ourselves together in public?! She's near forty, you already have two kids, six years have gone by from your last kid and you're gonna be busy recording The Circus and going on tour… worst timing on earth to have a kid… but she's suddenly pregnant. Unless she openly asked you to fill her life with another kid because you were about to stay away from home most of the time. But I guess she didn't ask.. why should she? She knows you feel guilty enough to comply with her wish even when you don't feel like it. 

- The fact she is the one who decides when to have kids (*21) is not that infrequent… it happens in a lot of families.. and the fact it was her idea doesn't mean I don't love this kid..we're gonna call her Daisy.

- I never said you don't love her and I would never ever think that in a million years. Just it's not up to you to make the decision, isn't it? I hope at least she told you she was about to stop taking the pill. Or is she saying  it was accidental? She must have been very very unlucky, then.

- I do my best when I'm home but I often come home when they're already asleep after the gigs or TV shows and often I don't sleep at home at all when I'm promoting or touring. I never miss Christmas and Easter and the most important stuff at school but I don't cook for them, I don't buy their clothes, I don't even know what shoes size they wear, I don't stay home when they're sick and I don't threaten them to make them finish their homework unless it's weekend and  I'm home..she's the one who raises our kids day by day, then it's only natural she's got to have the last word about having another kid or not.

- Even when you made it clear you doesn't want another one?! 

- I never openly said that.

- It wasn't necessary. It was in your behavior. You underrated the whole situation, didn't you? You've been working all the time and she remains alone at home. Daniel and Emily go to school and she feels useless, because she is all alone at home and she never had any interest apart from raising your kids. She's got nothing to fill her life with. Despite all your "we're a normal family" crap, the truth is she is like every other rich housekeeper: she doesn't iron, she doesn't clean the dirt, you even have a cook. She has loads of spare time: she could visit the hospitals each day, she could paint, raise founds for fighting HIV, learn French, play guitar, she could do anything.. just she doesn't, as far as I know. She just stays still, playing the perfect wife who keeps her mouth shut and get wealthy life in return. So she's at home, overthinking, concerned that you're always away and she doesn't know how to make you stay at home. She feels the kids are growing and the boundaries are loosening and she doesn't know what to do in case you wanted to leave her..

- I've heard enough. 

- I didn't mean to hurt you… I was just trying to be honest.

 - If there's a fault in all this, then it's mine, not hers: I was the one who married her, I was the one who made her pregnant, I was the one who left her alone.

-  here we go.You will never change.

- you are bloody exhausting. 

- Tell me something new. 

- let's not even get started.

- You know I'm saying nothing but truth when I say guilt is the key of your marriage. You feel guilty because you married her knowing you didn't truly love her. You feel guilty because of what she had to live during your dark years. You feel guilty because you have always put your career before her. You feel guilty because you left her at home. 

- I took her on the first Take That tour… you should be grateful, she was the one who convinced me to tour again.

- I'm all buying it, very funny.

- I'm not saying I didn't want to. I did want to, for many reasons. I was just scared and her presence was somehow reassuring. It was like bringing a piece of home with you while you're out to face those same journalists who have already ruined you once. Still, the truth is I prefer not to have her there. It's not that I was looking for somebody else…I just thought maybe you would watch the DVD and I didn't want to look like I was all happy with her while I was still hoping to have you back.

- I know.

- How could you possibly know..

- Because you're right, I watched the DVD, of course I did. There's that moment backstage, when she came near you to hug and kiss you… and you turned your face away to make her kiss your cheek instead of your mouth (*22). It was pretty weird, isn't it?! She's your wife. I wondered if it could be related to your conservative mind, like "it's inappropriate to kiss in public and what's private stays private"… but it was kind of nonsense. A part from the fact a peck on the lips never scandalized anybody, she was there on tour half naked, spreading her legs in front of Howard's face and joking with you on stage… definitely it's wasn't an "it's inappropriate" issue. The only other possibility is you had no problems with joking with her on stage.. but you didn't want to look in love off stage. I hoped it was because you knew I would watch the DVD. I wasn't sure, of course… I just hoped so. I watched 'The Brits' last March.. after we met in the London stadium.. when you were awarded as TT4, I saw you brushed your nose with hers, instead of kissing her. You avoided kissing her again. Then I thought maybe, just maybe, it wasn't accidental. Maybe you did want me to realize things are not like they appeared to be.

- You're as clever as I've always thought you were.

- she will do it again. 

- Daisy is meant to be our last kid. I don't want any other kid. Maybe if we had no kids or if Daisy was our first one I would consider having another one even if she would be more than forty… but we've got three and she's thirty nine: there's no reason on earth to take a risk with a difficult pregnancy after this one.

- does she know?

- We don't need to talk about it. It's obvious.

- we'll see by the time she realizes Daisy won't keep you home and you won't work less than before… By the time Daisy is three and goes to school and she will be all alone in that house with nothing to do.

- Honestly, Robert… I find it bloody ridiculous that you're here all patronizing about my marriage when you hired a beard.

- at least I don't have to pretend with her. She's well paid… and if we ever marry and then divorce, she'll get 2 millions dollars for each year of marriage (*23). She wouldn't be allowed to touch my money in any case. She's quite uneducated and annoying at times, but we don't see each other that much, not even when we both live here in the house…and as a whole it's a good arrangement for both of us.

- I'm not discussing that.

- does she really strike like a beard that much? Or it's just because you know I'm gay?

- If I hadn't known you were gay, I would have gotten it seeing you started dating her. It's pretty clear she's a professional beard. You're pretty lucky nobody wondered why there's no sign of any previous relationship of hers before she started dating you. Either she was dating famous or unknown guys, she was a 27 years old actress when she met you…she must have been in other relationships. Still, officially it's like she has no past.. it's as if she could be a virgin when she met you..nowhere to find any information about her love life … did you clean it up a bit, didn't you ?!  You chose her because she had played as a beard only for b-series famous starlets… so nobody really knew her and it was easy for your staff to clear it all almost perfectly. Her wikipedia page is immaculate and so the rest. But I'm in the star business as well… I know she had been dating Lance Bass, who came out as a gay  some time later. As I know she had been dating Brody Jenner that is still in the closet (*24). Then, she started dating you. Never ever heard of any straight man near her. She's bi or lesbian herself, isn't she?! (*25). By the way, your manager picked her and you agreed to date her… so she was hired to play in your Bodies videoclip in order to allow you to sell the 'we fell in love on the videoclip' story. How romantic. Am I wrong in anything?

- No. You're actually right, Gaz.I wish you were half  as good at understanding my feelings as I was a 20 yrs old childish chap who was drinking too much, freaking out at the idea of being gay, who had lost his place in the world. What was I? I wasn't a TT member anymore, I haden't become a solo artist yet. I wasn't a kid but I wasn't a grown up either. Where to rely? Anywhere. I've never had a strong family behind me. And all these people around me.. they just wanted me to top the charts, even more than I did. You know I often surrounded myself with the wrong people, it's one of the many talents I have. As you know I can feel overconfident one minute and feel like shit one minute later. They needed me to be overconfident the whole time and I guess it was pretty clear to everyone that the cheapest way to boost my confidence was to tell me I was better than you - he paused - because I've always thought you were the best, you know - he raised his eyes high to meet mine and I felt my heart melting. I lowered my gaze.

- then things changed…being number one became my obsession. I wanted to be a worldwide popstar and nothing else mattered to me..you know I came close to actually become one, when Feel came out. Maybe it was for the better that I didn't make it. By the way, I just didn't call. And each year that went by made it harder. It passed from "sorry for not calling you  for two years" to "sorry for not calling you for three years". Then the years became four, five, six. I had no words to ask your forgiveness and I let the problem become bigger and bigger while I tried to hide the dirt under the carpet. I swear I'd trade everything to make that call, if only I could wind time back. But I can't go back in time, can I?!

I knew he wasn't really expecting an answer to his rhetoric question.

- I just wanted you to know what my real feelings were. That I still remembered. That I still cared. In my own way, I wanted you to know I still thought of you.

- did you realize you were gay when you realized you had feelings for me? 

- I had been attracted to men before, but I had  never loved anybody, man or woman, before I fell for you. I was confused, but deep inside, I knew what the truth was.

- did you never think maybe you were bi or maybe it was just  a phase?

- that would be you, Gaz - he said shaking his head - I knew I was in love. I just thought you'd leave me if you got to know how deeply in love I was. He was trembling.

-I told you I loved you so many times

- I never heard you use the word 'gay', Gaz.

- neither did you

- but I would have loved to. 

-  I've told you now.

- You're more than ten years late. 

I was feeling my head pounding, my throat becoming dry and my hands sweating.

The thing was, I needed an answer to the main question. 

That's why I've come there for, in the end. 

I had to know whether he returned my feelings or not. 

I suddenly bent down to him, no coherent thought in my head. I grabbed his neck with my right hand and placed a light peck on his lips, letting my forehead collide with his.

He froze in panic, unable to reject me as well as to kiss me back. I framed his head with my hands, feeling his hands around my wrists, his breath quickening. He tried to put some distance between us, to push me away, but it was a weak, poor attempt. I kept my position and he made no resistance.

It was too late to go back: I was in tears in his kitchen. I looked at the floor.

- Rob... I need an answer to my question.

- What question? - he said, pretending he didn't feel awkward. 

- I said I still love you - I said, raising my face but closing my eyes to avoid his gaze.

- That's not a question

-You... - I didn't know how to say it - you didn't say if you still feel the same.. - I said - ..somehow - I added trying to look not as the total loser I felt I was.

- You didn't ask me - he said.

I opened my eyes and stared deeply into his own. 

- I'm asking now. I saw his eyes opening. 

-  Gaz. - it wasn't a question, it wasn't an affirmation, not even a plea. It was the sudden realization of all the time we had lost forever. It wouldn't be back. 

I started to talk in panic, as if my babbling could prevent him from saying he didn't love me - I don't expect you to return me, I just… - I paused trying to catch some air, my eyes still closed because I couldn't deal with the pain and the embarrassment of keeping them open - I just wanted you to know … - the voice failed me now  - that I forgive you. I'd forgive you anything. I want you to know that in fact.. even if I never told you.. I don't wanna live without you.

I waited. But he didn't answer.

I felt I was lost. I felt I had lost. 

I felt like I was again in 2005, when we shot the documentary and they showed Rob's video message to us four. That day, I felt exposed, the cameras were on us - on me - and I couldn't think, I couldn't even speak. They aired that video message of his and I couldn't take anything of what he said. I made no comments as he clip ended and I just focused all my efforts at holding back the tears, heart beating fast.

This time, I felt the tears making their way through my eyes and out, making lines on my face, and I didn't know how to stop them.

With my eyes full of tears, I felt Rob bending on the kitchen shelf - a sharp cry coming out of his mouth and I saw his knees become weak and he just let them go until they touched the floor. 

Then I felt a strangled cry coming from deep inside him.

- I'm sorry Gas, I really am.

I reached him and turned him to face me. He let his head fall against my chest abruptly and started to sob, his hands grabbing fistfuls of my t-shirt.

I wanted to say something, but I knew better: I started stroking his back in silence, until I felt the tears falling down on my face again. I cried both in relief and in despair: what would it be of us? what would I do now, that I was too late to be happy?. I've never been as  strong as I pretended to be, but I knew he was the most fragile out of us both then I managed to keep control. I wouldn't let despair take control of me, pain wouldn't tear me down: I'd take care of him. I was the one to take care of him, I've always been.

There was still so much to be said…nonetheless, as he started to cry restlessly, I felt he had answered all my questions without uttering a word. His tears were all the words he couldn't speak. They were the material embodiment of the words we were unable to say. Those tears were like words we could touch. I don't know how long we'd been silent, crying on the kitchen floor. I only remember that at some point, I managed to ask:

- do you still love me?

- of course I do. 

I smiled and tried to make him look at me, but he was still lost in his thoughts. It was like he was trying to lift a weight , like he knew he had to say it now, because he wouldn't find the courage to say it another time. I raised my eyes to his. 

He closed his eyes tightly, instead. 

- I waited for you all my life.

- I wasn't worth it .

- I waited all my life for you to come back and love me.  All the others…even the ones I loved… it wasn't the same.

 - Rob, please..

 - I just wanted you to know.

Then he smiled that way. That shy smile he wears on his face only when he looks at me. I knew that was my smile. At times, words only say so much.

(*1) Gary Barlow, My Take: “Rob hardly said a word, and when Jay had finished he pushed his chair back, got up and walked towards the door. (...)He opened the door, turned and said, ‘I’m off then, I’m going, see ya.’ ‘See ya, mate.’ ‘See you, Rob.’ ‘Bye, mate.’ ‘Bye.’ With that he closed the door. We exchanged glances and then the door opened again. ‘I’m off then, I’ll see ya.’ Then he closed the door and was gone”.

(*2) Gary Barlow interviewed on Daily Mail after he was awarded with MIT. “It meant a lot to both of us when we made up. It was always something that felt wrong. I never understood why it all went wrong. I’d think of it at night sometimes, it was like this permanent stone in the shoe.”

(*3) Robbie Williams, Feel: Take That were supposed to reunite and show up at a gig back in 2004 and there had been contacts with Rob, to see if he could be interested in it. Initially, Rob was doubtful but more like a yes, then his manager David made him change his mind saying Gary would behave bossy as usual, that Rob had no reasons to go because the losers wanted him back only after they failed, that it all would have been a trap for Rob, etc.. In any case, the whole project aborted. It's also reported a weird chat between David and Rob, where Rob said that David knew why Rob was so angry at Gary and David didn't den it, but none of them explained it in the book.

(*4) It has been reported in the unofficial book “Robbie and Gary: it’s complicated” that by the time Gary started living by himself, Rob used to spend a lot of weekends at his manor, because he came drunk from crazy times in Dublin with friends and needed a rest and because he loved how Gary’s butler cooked for him. The circumstance has been partly confirmed by them also (guess in one of their books, can' recall which one now).

(*5) This is a reference to Rob’s song “Cheap Love song” (1996): "Take your time, to unwind / You will find it's love you are living / Clear the space, find a place / You will see it's love you are giving / Take you time to make things last / Love for the future, not the past / I can't change the way I am / This is all I got, this Cheap Love Song / Take your time, make it rhyme / You will see it's all believing / One fine day, we'll find a way / You will reach your own destination. / Seven clowns with different faces / Love we've lost, but we're still chasing (...)”.

(*6) This is a reference to Rob’s song “One fine day”: “One fine day / In the middle of the night / You'll wake up in it / One fine day / In the middle of the night / But you probably won't admit it / All I ever wanted / Was to radiate your home / But I guess it doesn't matter”.

(*7) Rob openly dedicated to Gary the harsh song “Ego a go go” (see Wikipedia for example, anyway Rob said it himself...not that it was that difficult to understand it, if you just read the lyrics carefully; I’d say - personal opinion - he not so openly dedicated to Gary a good number of other songs too), where you read the reference “hide yourself in your hivory tower”. If you ask me, some of the lyrics of the song are quite weird, a bit out of context if you assume he’s speaking to an (ex) friend (that’s the same you notice about 'No Regrets', for example). You also find, once again (as in Cheap Love Song), the circus/clown reference. If you consider that the song The Circus is balantly telling the story of Rob leaving TT back in 1995, you understand it all better. Btw, some of the meaninful lyrics of Ego a go go: “Where were you when you stole my pride? / Did you ever get the feeling that someone died? / Hide away in your ivory tower / And cover me in your golden shower / Did I make you laugh when I played the clown? / And was I the dog that bit you when you put it down / Break it nicely break it slow / Break it so I got no place to go / Ego a go go now you've gone solo / Living on a memory / Where've you been lately? / And do you still hate me ? / Could you offer an apology ? / Aaah turn away / Aaah fade to grey / Where were you when the party ended ? / Were you stitching up the wounds that you thought I need mending ? / Wonderland has crashed to the ground / The circus has gone all that's left is the clowns”

(*8) Jason was the one who talked against Rob in name of the management.

(*9) This is a reference to the song ‘The Circus’ (“I never thought I'd leave it all so late”) and it has to be connected with TT's disbanding:

- Gary Barlow, Look Back, don’t stare: "I never really wanted to be in a band. (…) I felt like I was constantly on route to somewhere else" (Look back, don’t stare)

- Gary Barlow, My Take: “despite talk of making a TT album, I was also thinking about my own career. It was as if Rob leaving had reactivated the part of me that had viewed TT as a stepping stone”.

- The circus, lyrics: "the more we shout the more we hesitate, now that you’re gone, now that you’re gone … the more we fall, the higher we must climb, now that you're gone, now that you’re gone … I’d never thought I’d leave it all so late, but now that you’re gone.. now that you’re gone…yeah, everybody loves a circus show, and I’m the only clown you’ll ever know, and now you can applaude my best mistake, ‘cause I love you was too many words to say, yes I love you was too many words to say, to say…oh I’d never thought I’d leave it all so late, but now that you’re gone, oh you’re gone!” 

(*10) This is a reference to the song ‘I tried Love’, where Rob sang “does God ever get it wrong? Where has Gary Barlow gone? Why is Christmas day so long?”. Gary is the only Take That member to be mentioned in a song by name and also the only one to whom Rob had been openly dedicated a song.

(*11)  According to ‘Feel’, Gary made a phone call to Rob back in autumn 2003. He spoke to Josie (Rob’s assistant) and said her he didn’t want another Christmas to go by without making up with Rob. Josie reported the conversation to Rob, who – weird, isn’t it? – didn’t focus on the fact Gary called him after all those years (they met for the last time in 1997 and they hadn’t the chance to talk), he focused on the Christmas detail and asked Josie two times if Gary had said just that, about Christmas. Rob has always said, in his solo songs and in the interviews, he had been hating Christmas for a long time, because he was unhappy and it all made him feel alone. For example he expressed this concept in the song ‘I tried love’ (published in 2002, before Gary’s call: “where has Gary barlow gone? Why is Christmas day so long?”). This phone call Gary made trying to talk with Rob (he talked only with Josie and Rob was too angry/scared to call him back, he also listened to the wrong advices) is the first thing I thought of when I listened to Shame “I read your mind and tried to call, my tears could fill the Albert Hall”. In 2011, Rob has finally said he doesn’t feel like that about Christmas anymore (Rudebox). Both Gary (Twitter) and Robbie (Radiorudebox) think ‘Fairitale of New York’ is the best Christmas song.Personal opinion: if it's something related to them, if something bad happened around Christmas, I'd go for Christmas 1994.  

(*12) According to ‘Feel’, Gaz tried to call Rob on the phone in autumn 2003 and Rob wrote Ghosts in January – February 2004. Rob published the song in 2005 and he sang the song live on TV - Jools Holland -  adding to the original lyrics these lines: “I don’t think I ever told you I loved you immensely, but I’m telling you now. I love you, I loved you, I’ll love you”. He also changed the line “because YOU didn’t hear the truth” with “when WE never heard the truth”. I thought of these lines when I listened to Shame: “what a shame, we never listened, I told you through the television”. Personally, I’ve always found the lyrics of Ghosts very meaningful (a part a few verses near the end).

(*13) This is a reference to the lyrics of Ghosts: “look at the time that’s taking me, to get away from what was said, I’ll never leave, I’ll always love, you know that all those words are dead”.

 (*14) Rob has chosen the song "Should I stay or should I go?” as a cover on his first international tour after he left Take That. The song doesn’t speak about the breaking of a friendship, it speaks about the end of a difficult relationship and it contains the line “If you say you're mine I’ll be here ‘til end of times". To make it all clear, these are some of the meaningful lyrics: "darling you gotta let me know / Should I stay or should I go? If you say that you are mine / I'll be here 'til the end of time / So you got to let know / Should I stay or should I go? Always tease tease tease / You're happy when I'm on my knees / One day is fine, next is black / So if you want me off your back / Well come on and let me know / Should I Stay or should I go?  Should I stay or should I go now? / If I go there will be trouble / An' if I stay it will be double / So come on and let me know / This indecision's bugging me / If you don't want me, set me free / Exactly who'm I'm supposed to be? / Don't you know which clothes even fit me? Come on and let me know  Should I cool it or should Igo?”

(*15) The song is Better Days (1997). Honestly I  think the lines I’ve quoted are clear in themselves. The song mentions this person he’s angry at, the one he wants to forget about; he also throws a lot of accuses to this person This person is also the recipient of the angry letter Rob wants to write in order to feel free to turn the page ("I'm gonna write you a letter, I think the sooner the better, 'cause the time is right to find a better day"). The song Better days is the first thing I thought of when I listened to Shame: “I wrote a letter in my mind, but the words were so unkind, about a man I can’t remember”.

(*16) According to the unofficial book“Robbie and Gary: it’s complicated”, Rob was under therapy and his therapist called Gary saying Rob wanted to talk with him. Gazy said ok and Rob came on the line and told him he was about to call him again / meet up after his recovery. Gary babbled something like yes, of course, don’t worry.

(*17) This is a reference to Gary's song “All that I’ve given away”: "the telephone it never rings when you need it to ring, when it rings it's never the voice needed to hear … I'm in deep regret, I'm trying to foget but I hope you'll never sleep when we're apart, all that I've given, given away, it's all that I need here tonight, all that I try, try to forget, it's the more this empty hearts seems to fight".

(*18) According to the unofficial book “Robbie and Gary: it’s complicated”, Gary sent Rob a bouquet of flowers after that phone call.

 (*19) Howard Donald,Take That/Take One: “There's something about Gary that was always meant to be married. He's got a lovely home life. It looks great from the outside and I believe that it's very happy on the inside, too”

(*20) Gary’s solo song “Yesterday’s girl” (1999) is openly dedicated to Howard and his ‘ex’ split up. Gary says nice things about How and is angry to this person for making Howard sad and hurt (How, as many of them, lived bad times after TT split up). In the song, Gary mentions the fact he and Howard at times meet:“on occasion we’ll smoke and make small conversation. We’ll pass briefly on older times and forgotten relations, he’s the best friend I’ve ever had”. So of course here the question is ‘what is the forgotten relation Gary talks with Howard about?’.

 (*21) This comes from an interview Gary gave after he got to know his wife was pregnant for the 4time. A part from the usual stuff and the apparently light tones, Gary said to Chris Evans on a radio interview that the decision of having kids has never been his (this was reported on different magazines also), that  he was forty one and Daisy was only three (like "we didn't need another one") and that this was gonna be the last one 'cause he didn't want any other kid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gFb6svbBV4M .

- Gary you're gonna be a Dad again!

G - I know, at 41 one!

(…)

G - Dan is 11, Emily is 9 and then we had a bit of a break… and Daisy (kind of depressed/pissed off) … is just three, so ehm…

(…)

- only four Gary, only four?

- that's it, I promise you!

(…)

- you're gonna stick to four Gary?

G - I'm sticking to four, I hope so. 

- oh, well… [like you're old enough to know how to have/avoid kids and when to have kids, don't you?!]

- I do.

- you're saying it like it's not your decision..

G - you say it like it's my decision, it isn't, it never is… 

- of course it isn't

- another kid?

- oh, no… I really hope no, no.

This pairs up with the supposedly humoristic comment he made on twitter "#anotherowngoal". Notice the incongruence…while he said all those not exactly enthusiastic things, the crap newspapers reported “Sources close to the 41-year-old 'X Factor' judge say the news of the baby couldn't have come at a better time. One said: "Gary is constantly beaming from ear to ear. The news couldn't have come at a better time because he's a real family man and now he can be around more.” (London Evening Standard) 

(*22) Beautiful World tour, behind the scenes. 

(*23). Rob and Ayda signed a pre-nuptial contract: she can’t touch his money and if they divorce, she gets 2 millions dollars for each year of marriage. It’s not clear if she also takes 2 millions dollars each year during the marriage (so she can’t ask for more in case they divorce) or if she’s gonna get those money only if they divorce and we can’t know how they manage their money in daily life.

(*24) Ayda with Lance Bass and Brody Jenner

(*25) I guess personal intuitions don’t count ;). Btw, on one of the Radiorudebox specials, Ayda and Rob discussed same sex crushes. Ayda said a certain woman (I don’t remember the name now) was her first woman crush. Rob answered (I'm going by memory): “your first? Tzè, com’on...I know you”. There could be other things to be said but staying general, recently, Ayda has been spotted picking girls somewhere. The press, all scandalized, claimed the girls were meant to be for Rob, like “OMG the wife chooses women for her hubby”. I very much doubt it.