Hello!!! E' la mia prima FF in inglese, chiedo umilmente pietà...ogni commento/suggerimento/critica spietata sarà ben accetta!! :D Buona lettura!

So Long and goodbye

And here I am, holding my head between my hands, drowning your eyes on the bottom of this bottle. It's been hours, days or weeks...I don't want to let you go, I'm not ready yet.

All I want for now is sitting here, contemplating this creased photograph I've kept for over twenty years. You smiled and hugged me close, your long curly black hair flying in the wind, while the sun slowly dived into the ocean, beyond the cliff.....our cliff...

I can still smell your scent and the salty tang of the sea enveloping us, right before the Big Jump...You longed for it so much. Your whole life revolved around that obsession by that time; your destiny was fatally determined by that decision: you had to jump.

This madness took shape in your mind during a trivial and boring teenage afternoon, me and you lying in the hot sun, still unable to let that August go. Because September meant saying goodbye, heading back to the city and moving on with our own lives and that magic summer would have been over. You told me about that over 35 feet high cliff and the legendary galleon laying on the bottom of the sea underneath, where the current was too strong for any boat to reach it. I almost laughed at you, thinking you were crazy to even think about it, as no man ever dared to defy both gravity and the ocean that way, but you just wouldn't listen. You simply answered “Why not?” and your black eyes already hid the shadow of that decision. I would have never made you change your mind, unless I tied you down and locked you somewhere. Without thinking twice I answered “If you really mean it, I'll go with you”. You took my hand and said “No, I need to do it by myself. I have to.”

A few days later I reached you on the cliff and you were already there, standing on the edge, contemplating the abyss underneath. I ran towards you and tried my best to dissuade you, but there was nothing I could have ever done or said to discourage you. You kissed my lips one last time, ran-up and in a split second disappeared from my view.

I didn't hesitate, I didn't have a choice.

I followed you.

A few minutes later, I gained consciousness, spitting up salt and seawater. A fisherman's boat noticed us jumping down the cliff and immediately asked for help to drag us to the seashore. We were surrounded by curious people and first-aiders as I opened my eyes, getting hit by the strong sunlight. The first thing I saw was your body, lying next to me, still unmoving. Coughing and crawling on the sand I rushed towards you....God, please let her live! You can't take her away from me! Why couldn't I save you from the ocean?....or from yourself?

I held my breath for a bunch of endless seconds, while our rescuers tried to hold me “She needs air, let her breath!”

Air? You're alive then! Please come back here....here into my arms....I need to see your eyes and that disarming smile on your lips once more....and I need to hear you saying that you're fine, that everything's going to be fine...

I drink another glass of whiskey hoping to finally find some kind of relief. I just remember grabbing you by the arm, while we were underwater....but why did you hesitate? Why didn't you swim towards the surface straight away? You stood floating there, staring at the remains of the stranded vessel while the silence of the ocean was so loud and overwhelming that I was longing to resurface, to go back to life. I grabbed your hand and harshly pulled you up, swimming with all my strengths and hardly holding my breath...I was damn sure I wouldn't make it to the surface....few feets left....only a few inches and we will be out....in the red sunset light...

And the last days of August flew quickly, from that day on. I left by train with my friends, my backpack filled with all the memories of that Summer I would have kept forever. Before I left you gave me that photograph of you and I and you wrote “forever” and the date on the back. I held you close and breathed your air for one last time, without realizing – or maybe refusing to accept – that I would have never met you again. You headed back to Italy, leaving yourself to the mercy of Destiny, allowing it to take you by the hand throughout the journey of life.

And I've been thinking about you a lot over the years...how many times have I tryied to recognize your eyes in those of all the women I met and loved....but none of them was you, no one will never be like you. A few days ago I got this letter of yours....God knows how you found me, to let me know what you were going to do. This time I wasn't there to rescue you from yourself.

Everything was already settled and arranged: with your last money you bought a one way ticket to California....you also booked a room – this room – in a cheap motor inn in the middle of the Death Valley, where you wrote and mailed the letter to me....perhaps you already knew I was going to come here in person, searching some kind of trace of yours, once I found out that jump was the very last one.

And I hate you for not giving me the chance of saying goodbye for good, despite all the years gone by....and I hate you for leaving me alone with my ghosts and my sense of guilt.....lost forever.....the ocean swallowed you and spat you out, as you were nothing but one of the other creatures living inside it...

I pick out the creased letter from my pocket and scrunch it up in my hands...

I feel the tears pushing to find a way out and do nothing to hold them...why should I?

I grab the lighter and watch the letter burning to ashes....maybe it's the only way to wake up from that nightmare I'm in.

I let the letter fall upon the wooden table and stare at the flames slowly spreading.

I glance at the whiskey bottle and without thinking twice I grab it by the neck.

I move as if my actions had already been written in some book a thousand years ago.

I don't have a choice.

With all my strength I throw the bottle against the wall,

behind the table already on fire.

It smashes right off into a million little pieces and alcohol spills all around,

instantly feeding the flames.

I pick up my jacket and put back the photograph into my wallet, where it belongs.

I slowly turn away and get out, shutting the door behind me,

while big black smoke clouds smother the room.

I stand in the porch outside and light up a cigarette, staring at the desert

and the Highway 66 in front of me. No one is around. Everything is still.

I glance at my white Ducati, shining under the burning sun and

wipe away all my tears.

Your eyes will be forever imprinted in my mind, keeping me company.

I know this is what you wanted.

You preferred burning, flaring up instead of slowly fade away.

And now all I have left are the ashes.

But I will remember you forever, Marina and this shall be my own tribute for you...

….so long and goodbye for the last time, before letting you go for good.

THE END