Los Angeles, August 2008

- I am gay. 

It was Rob who spoke. 

I looked at him in disbelief. Not that I was surprised, actually. I suspected he was. Still, I was shocked he was coming out right in front of us, in front of me. Trusting that I'd keep his secrets safe. Sharing what he clearly felt it was a sin…with me. 

We were all sitting on Rob's soft enormous couch, in his house in LA. 

It was August and it was hot. Officially, the four of us had travelled to Los Angeles to mix The Circus, but we all had known from the start that the trip was about having a proper chat with Rob. 

I had missed him deeply throughout the years, but I realized I was back in love with him - better, that I was still in love with him - since I risked my life back in 2005. I almost got killed during the 7/7 suicide attacks. I was there, at the Edgware road tube station on 7th July 2005. I was on the tube train that was one of the targets of the bombings (*). 

I couldn't breathe - I still can't breathe - at the thought of what I could have lost. 

That day, I saw my all life flashing before my eyes and there was no room left for lies: when you confront death, you're naked. Your priorities arise in front of you as clear as you've never seen them in your daily life. Your heart prevails over your reason and thoughts you didn't even know you had, suddenly come to the surface.

That day, my first thought were the kids. What would have been of them, if I died?! How could I die before seeing them grow up?!. The second thought was Rob. How could I die before making up with him and to him? How could I die before I got to tell him how much I had loved him, how much I still loved him and how sorry I was?!

There you are, Barlow.

When these thoughts reached my brain, I knew I was fucked.

It was too late to find an easy way out: the realization had already hit me deep inside.

That day, I'd been taught by fate that everything can finish in a moment and that moment is now. Not tomorrow or next year or when you're ready.

As cheesy as it sounds, you don't really understand the meaning of this sentence until you face death.

That day I knew what was coming next: I'd stop hiding myself in my big lonely house, I'd stop thinking I'd never win, I'd stop regretting what I didn't do in the past, I'd just fight for the future. 

I was alive when many others died. 

I wouldn't waste my second chance: it didn't matter how long it'd take, I'd find the way to get him back home.

And so… here we are. The four of us on his couch. We've been talking all evening about the same stuff we  already discussed at the Conrad Hotel (*2), just in a deeper way. Everything was like a movie I had already seen and I started to feel frustrated. I didn't want to waste this opportunity, but I didn't know how to jump on the higher rung either. How to lead the conversation from "the five of us" to "the two of us".

Until Rob said he was gay.

Mark reacted first and said - it's no surprise, bro. But I'm so proud of you for telling us. Thanks for trusting us - He reached out, hugged Rob tightly and then fell back onto the sofa smiling. 

Howard just nodded at Rob, patted him on the shoulder, his head still turned to me. Jason looked slightly annoyed: we all knew he was gay and had a young lover in Thailand, but he never officially came out in front of us. He nodded at Rob, but at the same time he rolled his eyes, as if he'd been thinking that Rob  shared the 'big news' with us only to get our sympathy, to draw all the attention on himself, as usual. But he said nothing.

I knew Jay was wrong this time, as I knew Howard had seen it coming. I knew Rob's message was meant to be for me. 

Just I didn't know what the message was.

Why did he want me to know that he was gay? What did he imply? 

That he had loved me back then (but if he loved me, why did he leave me)? 

That he had loved me 'but now it's all over, then I can be honest about my attitude without feeling weird and we can be friends'? 

That still there was a chance for us? 

I guess my questions showed on my face, because Howard was still looking at me quizzically. Well, all the faces had turned to me now: I was the only one who had said nothing.

Rob looked anxious about my silence. I turned to him, still avoiding his eyes. My heart was pounding in my ears.

 - fine - was all I managed to say, out of my comfort zone  - you can rely on our reserve.

Rob looked even more confused. 

He told me the biggest secret of his life and I sounded like I was completely indifferent to that.  What the fuck was I doing?! 

He looked back at me and said  - Gaz..

- we need to talk, the two of us - I added quickly without thinking, before he could try to get rid of me.

- fine - he said, mocking my previous coldness.

Nonetheless, he got up without any hesitation, left the living room and entered the kitchen (*3).

I followed immediately afterwords  closing the door behind my back.

******