Hello!
Since you decided to undertake the laudable task of maintaining the veracity of the story by keeping the dialogues between the two characters in English, I thought it would be a good idea if I reviewed exactly these bits. After all, as you say: "there's always a mistake around the corner!"
Unfortunately, in this case there's a great number of mistakes.
I'm reviewing this chapter 'cause it contains the majority of the dialogues (and therefore, of the mistakes), but as I like to be thorough I'll start with the one in the previous chapter.
First of all, it's a bit unlikely that a 26-years old Englishman would talk almost like a teenager, moreover considering that he's nonetheless a famous actor who has a double first in Classics. But I guess you decided that it would be more realistic for the character, considering that he's hiding his true identity… however, this does not explain why you use some very formal terms, such as "searching for" or "sorry if I disturbed you". Besides, you forgot the conjuction: "[…] and SINCE you want to improve your English […]". As a consequence, you should modify the whole passage: "I found your profile and I think you are pretty, and since you want to improve your English we could chat or be snail mail friends".
Moving on to the next message: you forgot the subject, which is a pretty bad mistake, especially because it occurs almost everywhere. "[…] IT is so weird to hear". But after all the whole sentence does not make any sense, so you should rewrite it: "Thank you for your compliment, even if it's a weird thing to hear from a stranger". Then: "I am weird, I should warn you!" would be more proper.
"Quando gli ho scritto nella lettera che ero andata a vedere Patti Smith mi ha risposto in quella dopo che mi invidiava tantissimo che lui ancora non era riuscito ad andare a vederla anche se la stimava più come persona che come cantante e musicista." A comma sometimes would be nice.
For the last part I will only make a list of the most important things, otherwise it would take too much time and space.
- "Three days later: THE big day"
- "Now I'll scream your name. Raise your arms up in the air so I can see you, okay?"
- "Because I need a break from work" ("break" is more appropriate than "pause" in this context)
- "IT is so nice here. I have never been in Turin UNTIL now"
- "I LIVE in the south of Piedmont. My home is an hour and a half away by car."
- "I love the italian accent. IT's… I don’t know, maybe sexy?”
- “I said something bad?” -> "DID I SAY something bad". Please, you can't make such a major mistake: for the interrogative form you ALWAYS have to put the auxiliary verb first.
- "how DO I have to call you now?"
Ora basta, comincio ad essere un po' stanca. Ovviamente non sono stata a segnalarti tutto ciò che non andava, ci sarebbe voluto davvero troppo tempo; ti suggerisco tuttavia di trovarti una beta o di prenderti più tempo per ricontrollare i capitoli, dato che errori di distrazione, fretta o quantaltro ce ne sono davvero tanti.
Sulla trama non ho molto da dire, mi sembra che per ora ci siano poche informazioni per farsi un'idea precisa: alcune cose non mi convincono molto, ma come idea non sembra male.
Per concludere, ti suggerisco di mettere una traduzione dei dialoghi in inglese nelle note, dato che è improbabile che tutti conoscano la lingua, ed essendo delle parti importanti per la comprensione della storia forse è meglio renderle più fruibili ai lettori.
Spero che tu non ti senta offesa in alcun modo, la mia intenzione è ovviamente solo quella di aiutarti a migliorare.
In caso di dubbi o perplessità non esitare a chiedere! :)
See ya,
Moon
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