Days go by, but that ominous feeling just won't. Whenever I get upset about some jokes that people say, or things don't go the way I expect them to go, I ask myself: "Why? Why am I doing something that I don't want to do? Why am I still here, with people I don't feel comfortable with?", and the answer remains undiscovered, but maybe I'm just trying to deceive myself. I realized that I don't have the courage to get out of uncomfortable situations, and I just "roll with it". It's really painful. The day after I think: "I could've done something more productive" but I never do, it feels like a vicious cycle of bad habits that I can't get rid of. Sometimes I just want to cry, but not out of sadness, but anger. Towards myself? Yes. Towards other people? Yes. Towards the whole world? Absolutely yes. And still, time flies, I'm here self-deprecating about the way things go, unnecessary thoughts that flood my head stopping me from all the good things I could do. As my body and mind go numb, the uselessness kicks in, stronger than ever. I don't belong here, I don't know where I belong, to be honest. One thing I know for sure is that life goes on, and if you don't go along you will be left behind...
But at this point I'm not concerned about that. The wind causes some thoughts to cross my mind: why do we have to conform to "social canons" to be part of a society, with the fear that, if we don't, we're not going to be accepted by it? Do we really have to re-shape ourselves in order to be part of life? Many people do things that are, as many say, "politically incorrect", and they are often seen as "rebels", "weirdos" and so on. I hate that. I hate the fact that if I dislike something that the majority of people like I have to be labeled as a "weirdo". I don't understand it, or better, I do but I don't want to accept a reality like this. People that are unable to accept and respect someone else's lifestyle or ideas or hobbies and are also unable to establish a genuine relationship between them. It's awfully sad. This uncontrollable hurricane of feelings is driving me crazy, and the fact that I'm unable to control them is even worse. Many times I found myself compressing them in order to be "socially accepted", but every time that ended up in me destroying the first thing I had upfront.
Why can I not be in silence if I'm in a group? If just listening to other people is what makes me feel comfortable, why does someone eventually have to call me out for being "too quiet" or "depressed" or whatever you want to address it? If I feel like screaming from the top of my lungs makes me feel relieved, why does people need to refer to me as if I'm being "crazy" or, again, "weird"? I really don't want to live in a world like this.